Sigh. We need to take a moment of silence for an unnoticed casualty of the internet: poetry.

I was toying with the idea of posting a classic, Keatsian poem about an angel in lieu of writing about pillow mints, and one about a devil for Tic-Tacs. But you know what I get instead when I google “classic poetry devil angel”?

An Angel or the Devil
Written by: Chris Williams

Is she an angel or the devil, I can’t tell
All I know is how hard I fell
She knows how to lift me up when I’m sad
And she knows how to be so bad
Something tells me one is a disguise
Its hard to tell when I look in her eyes

Is she an angel or the devil, I don’t care
She makes love and its hard to bear
She can be so beautiful but have an evil grin
She’s so innocent, but she’s full of sin
You can see her halo in the right light
But you can find her horns coming out at night

Is she an angel or the devil, I don’t mind
Whichever it is, she’s one of a kind
Maybe she’s just one, or a little of both
It’s so hard to tell when she holds me close
I love when she’s in wings and is so sweet
But there’s just something about her being horny

I apologize. I shouldn’t have done that.

It wouldn’t be fair to Tic-Tacs, anyway. I have good memories of them. I always associate orange tic-tacs with my Nonna; she always carried them in her purse, and she would offer us each one as a special treat. They tasted so orange-juicy and they were so firmly chewy. And they came in that adorable little box. Plus, as I grew older I discovered that they had mint versions that were strong enough even for my tastes. That was before Altoids, of course, which have raised the bar irrevocably.

Even so, I don’t understand how people can see tic-tacs as candy. They’re breath mints. They’re not all that sweet. They’re not really even marketed as candy. Altoids aren’t really candy either, but they are sweeter and they do have chocolate-covered versions… don’t they? They’re not in the N Candy AA, so I don’t have to fact-check. I’m pretty sure that rule’s in Strunk & White.

Pillow mints are as pillowy and soft and delightful as their name implies. They’re fluffy and sweet like angel wings. Like chewing on a delicious angel’s wings. When I was at that all-important age when you can hold even a tic-tac in awe, pillow mints were just about at the top of my candy pantheon. They do this magical thing where they are first firm and chewy and then they melt invisibly away in your mouth. You don’t even have to chew them; they’ll dissolve on their own. You get every texture out of them! Plus they taste good! And the pillow mint category includes the hilariously kitsch Testamints!

But: five extra points to tic-tacs for having such a euphonious name.