Mozart Kugeln
You remember how Hershey’s Chocolate Mint
Candy
Canes were invented to
teach young people about evil?
Well, move over, Hershey’s. Mozart is here. And he’s going to drop a piano
on your tastebuds.
A piano of EVIL.
Let’s look at the several components of evil, shall we?
LIES.
Mozart Kugeln is made by Reber. On their website, they make some pretty
fancy claims about this piece of candy. “The Mozart
Kugel is, in the truest sense of the words, ‘a miracle
that melts on the tongue.’”
LIES!
The Mozart Kugeln is, in the truest sense of the words, evil evil
poisonous evil. You know this is true because if it were not evil, it
would admit its evilness. Of course, if it weren’t evil it wouldn’t have
to. This is what is known as a paradox.
More lies: There is a very clear picture on the side of the box. It shows
a cross-section of the candy. Chocolate around a top half of marzipan and
a bottom half of green stuff. In the middle, what looks like a hazelnut.
LIES! It is in fact chocolatey hazelnut praline. No matter what you do,
you will never be freed from the green stuff by the sweet sweet mercy of
your teeth scraping against a nut. Instead you will plunge at random and
by accident into a chocolate-like middle which is smaller than it looks
and merges into the marzipanly evilness with varying results. Yes, you get
more chocolate, but at what cost?
This candy was obviously invented to teach adults about evil by making
them battle it directly through their tastebuds.
DUALITY.
I know: “What??”
But think about it. Good and evil: that’s duality. It’s that whole stupid
“you can’t have one without the other, without evil there can be no good,
how would we know what was good without evil” bullshit mindfuck crapola.
And think about it some more: Male and female, black and white, rich and
poor, good and bad…. All these idiotic false binaries. DUALITY. All they
do is divide people along arbitrary lines and lie (LIES!) to you about how
things are. There’s so much more out there crowding in around any of those
binaries. So much getting erased. So much trickery going on. Divide and
conquer. That’s what evil does.
And look at this candy! Duality! All over the place! In the two kinds of
chocolate! In the two flavors of marzipan! In the fact that there are two
of them in the box! Duality I tell you!!!
MARZIPAN.
What could be more quintessentially evil than marzipan? It pretends to be
a sweet but it has that funky really bitter taste. Plus, it is made of
almonds. Cyanide smells like almonds. Cyanide smells like almonds for a
reason. It is Nature’s way of warning you that it is poisonous BECAUSE
IT SMELLS LIKE MARZIPAN!
And this stuff has TWO KINDS of marzipan. It has regular almond marzipan,
and clearly evil green marzipan made from pistachios. The green stuff is
even more bitter. You’re not supposed to eat green food. That’s why mold
is green. Listen to Nature’s warnings!
Here is some further evidence of the evil nature of marzipan. My
ex-roommate is one of the worst human beings I know: a child-molesting,
manipulative, violent person who… yes, I realize I didn’t need anything
after “child-molesting.”
My ex-roommate LOVES marzipan.
Q.E.D.
SEDUCTIVE TRICKERY.
When peeling this little sucker apart with my teeth, I discovered
something pretty special about it. It’s covered first with a layer of milk
chocolate, then one of bittersweet. I respect the hell out of that. That’s
fine with me. You know what? I would have said that you could enrobe
anything in two layers of chocolate and I would give it five stars. Thank
goodness Reber came up with this before I said anything of the kind, or I
might have lost some serious money.
But the more I nibble on this, the less I mind its bitter taste or evil
evil ways. I mean, two layers of chocolate! And that hazelnut praline.
Here’s the thing. Cause, I don’t like nuts in chocolate. I feel that they
displace the chocolate. It’s like, “Oh, we stole some of your chocolate,
but we filled the holes with nuts. They’re brown too! Ish! You won’t
mind!” Yes I fucking do mind. Get your tree seeds away from my chocolate
thankyouverymuchplease.
Right? So, instead of putting in the great big nut, they took it out and
blended it with chocolate and made there be MORE chocolate in here. And
like, you don’t get the relief from the marzipanocity. But the chocolate
mushes into the marzipan filling. It makes it taste pretty good. Then you
get to this point where you can’t actually even get a bite that’s just
marzipan, no matter how small you bite, because on the inside there’s
chocolate praliney stuff, and on the outside there are TWO! layers of
chocolate battling to save you from the marzipan.
And marzipan is still pretty fucking foul. But marzipan WITH CHOCOLATE is
somehow not an evil thing. It becomes intriguing.
No! Evil! Bitter! Foul in my mouth! Especially the green stuff! Tainting
chocolate! Tainting chocolate is evil!
The aftertaste is okay, though. Wouldn’t evil have an evil
aftertaste?
But the green marzipan is evil! Even if the almond marzipan offers
an interesting, almost musical interplay between the bitter, sweet, and
chocolate flavors, the green stuff brings the entire thing down. No! I
have thwarted the evil! Mozart, you fiend, you have not won me over! I
shall battle your rotting zombie corpse with my dying breath!
Maybe I need to eat just one more….
